In June 2022, I wrote a letter to Satan.
It was among my therapeutic writing practices to organize thoughts and control emotions. If someone told me two years ago that I would do that, sharing my worries and vulnerabilities to paper, I would smile skeptically:
"How can writing letters to my ex, my cat, or my passed-away grandma make me feel better?"
It could.
On February 24, 2022, I got a message from my Russian friend:
"Hi, how are you? What's happening there at your place?"
"Are you kidding me? Your people are bombing us! That's what's happening!" I replied.
I'm from Ukraine, you know. The biggest country in Europe and the throat bone for Putin, preventing him from satisfying his imperial ambitions and resuming dictatorship domination of the world.
When the full-scale war started, the first few hours felt like being in a fog. I took my emergency bag with almost nothing in it and ran to bomb shelters every time I heard air sirens.
I look back at that bag now:
"Okay, Olesia, you could do it better. A passport, a cell phone, a small bottle of water, and... a fried chicken? Really? The one you couldn't eat anyway?"
Sorry, my today's self, I DO better now. But back then…
A mix of emotions never felt before — fear mixed with hope — was raging in me. As I could see in the frightened yet somehow soothing eyes of passers-by, my fellow Ukrainians felt the same.
There was a moment when many of us believed Russian people would protest against their tsar's decision to invade our country. So did I, messaging my Russian friend in Moscow with calls to do something.
"What can I do?" was his reaction. "It's not me who's bombing you right now! We can't protest here."
"Why? Are you happy with the war?!"
"It's not war. We help the people of Donbas."
"Are you delusional? I'm from Luhansk myself, remember? My parents are there now, invaded by your army. Missiles are flying overhead in Kyiv, Odesa, Kharkiv, Mykolaiv... Is it your help? Help with what?! To whom?"
They kept silent. They supported everything their army of terrorists did with our cities and people.
Constant explosions; weeks under shelling felt like years. Everything looked like a parallel world, with the real one eaten by the Langoliers. Kherson, Mariupol, Bucha, Irpin, Chernihiv, Sumy... All these cities were in ruins, and I felt the tension that was hard to describe with words.
Continuous inner swings.
Fear changed with anger and disgust towards Russians. Shame and guilt came to make me rethink my identity. There was (and is) no more place for loyalty and tolerance. The moment came when I felt like Stephen King's Carrie in that prom night scene: drenched in blood and ready to "blow up" with my telekinesis craziness ruining everything around.
The whole spectrum of emotions and the true extent of that genocidal disaster the people of Ukraine go through, struggling with the beast willing to erase their entire nation, is hard to communicate.
To stay sane and be able to continue the struggle, I had to do something.
Therapeutic writing helped a bit.
It's like a psychotherapy session where a notebook becomes your "listener," helping you deal with a sense of guilt, anger, sadness, etc.
In June 2022, I wrote a letter to Satan.
"Dear Satan..."
It was my attempt to deal with a sense of despair. You know, that feeling when the whole world looks hypocritical, and you don't see any way out. When you scream for support, but they laugh at your face, saying it's your fault to be raped, robbed, and killed. When all human values appear artificial, looking promising when on paper but impotent when the time comes to act.
I wrote:
"This time, you've chosen the gigantic country as your homeland. You've raised and placed your best mentee to rule there, blinded their eyes and souls — and sent this wild horde to render your judgment. You might have decided humans have forgotten you, inventing tolerance, human rights, technology, space, and all that bulls**t. Yeah, you reminded them of yourself constantly. You acted by the hands of greedy-for-money individuals and structures; you seduced, misled, and sent viruses… But no one cared, and it pissed you off.
We know you're immortal. This helplessness in front of you, pure evil, doesn't frighten but often discourages. A 'drop in the ocean' can't stop missiles flying at homes. It can't convince 'deeply concerned' hypocritical politicians ready to make a deal with you. And it can't open the eyes of other countries' people worrying about anything but their coffee's price is now $1–2 higher.
You have seduced millions and made billions indifferent. We are screaming, but our voices are drowning in your laughter. You are enjoying yourself, drinking in your power: Finally, people will see that their word, pain, and needs don't matter to anyone, whether it's the 16th, 21st, or any other century outside.
But dear Satan, you know what? Go to hell!
And take your devil with you!
The devil you taught and made believe his imperial power. Tell him that he has failed in your task! Take all your moths and cockroaches under your wing, send them down to hell, and punish them as your worthless servants. They've lost this battle for you.
We are wounded but undefeated, and we continue on our way. And you have eternity to raise a new pathetic creature for yourself, which will come back in a hundred years to remind people again who you are and who we are in this world."
Sure thing, I didn't expect the reply. But I got it very soon.
Satan's reply was to blame Ukraine for not giving up but fighting for its freedom and independence. Speaking through its servants' lips, Satan forced us to negotiate because "Russia must not be humiliated in Ukraine."
Satan's reply was in the deeply concerned environmental and nature-protecting organizations "calling on Putin to end this war" in X (Twitter) after the Russians undermined the Nova Kakhovka dam this summer. Now we have the ecological and humanitarian disaster, the biggest crime against food security, but…
Citing my Russian ex-friend, "What can I do," right?
I hoped to see at least one photo from there in 2023 TIME's Top 100, but c'est la vie.
Satan's reply was in dictatorships uniting their powers. Iran is getting ready to send even more attack drones and ballistic missiles to Russia to use against Ukraine. North Korea sends tons of ammo to Russia. What do European neighbors of Ukraine do?
Right:
Block borders, thus interfering with crucial supplies for my defenders.
Satan's reply was in Israel and Hamas-led Palestinian war. Thousands of people all over the world support terrorists, and I see the Star of David painted on Jewish homes in Berlin(!). Back to 1939, huh?
Satan's reply was in the "it's Putin, not Russians" message of a so-called Russian opposition. While millions of average Russians call for the murder of Ukrainians, this opposition does nothing to build a "new Russia without Putin." Instead, they are spreading like a cancerous tumor around the planet, infecting others with their "Russian world."
They call Russian invaders "our poor boys," saying they are against the war but they "don’t want Russia to lose."
Phew...
Christmas is coming, and Kevin will soon stay home alone again. While "it's the most wonderful time of the year" for many, I see a different picture:
Beautiful snow isn't about cozy sofas and hot cacao but cold and darkness, bringing extra problems to my warriors and thousands of compatriots living on the frontlines.
Fireworks and festive lights have turned into phosphorus bombs and missiles over my head.
Presents?
I can't send them to my mom or visit her for Christmas. She's been in the invaded territory for about two years with no opportunity to leave. Living with no proper mobile and internet connection but warplanes and propagandistic "great Russian culture" in the self-proclaimed puppet state every day, my mom still hopes for the Ukrainian Army to come.
Sure, I won't be home alone this Christmas. More than 10,000 killed Ukrainian civilians (according to the UN report), 700+ POVs tortured by Russian terrorists, and 19,486 thousand children abducted by Russia stay with me this winter.
I know there are more than 50 conflicts in the world now. Thousands of people die from hunger, like 48,000 people in Somalia last year. Thousands of children die in military actions, like 11,000 kids in Yemen between 2015 and 2020. Ecological and humanitarian disasters, like the undermining of the Nova Kakhovka dam by Russia this year, lead to irreversible effects on the planet…
Merry Christmas, world!
Most of us continue walking along the road to unfreedom, gluing to what Timothy Snyder calls "the politics of eternity" in his eponymous book. We either turn on a defense mechanism a la "all will somehow be well" or stick to "all is so ill that nothing can be done." As a result, we don't act but stay "deeply concerned," expressing our "deepest condolences."
Satan has said its word. Again.
But it's my turn to write a reply, no? Does anybody want to help me?
"Dear Satan..."
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Thank you for reading, and Happy New 2024 Year!
